Life has been chaotic lately.  Even worse than normal.  Yet…I can’t help but feel the  passing of time.  I reach out to find something to grab onto.  To hold it back, to stop.

It never works, of course.  It just annoys everyone.  Raines, who knows me better than I’d like to admit, is on to me.  He knows something is up.  He knows I’m struggling with…something.  But neither he nor I know what it is.  “Are you mad about something, Mum?”  he’ll ask.  “No honey…Mum is OK”, I’ll reply.  He just looks at me for a minute.  Trying to figure me out.  “Want to get married?”  he’ll ask.  That’s his thing right now:  asking me to marry him.  It never fails to make me smile, to scoop him up in a hug.  He’s been making plans:  “Let’s get married on your birthday” he decides.  “We’ll just need….” he thinks for a while.  “We’ll just need one really long carpet, a vase of flowers, a poem and lots of humans in one room.  Simple!”

This little face is going to make someone very, very lucky someday.

All of this talk of marriage is my fault (not that it’s a bad thing).  I just know he’s feeling anxious, partly because of me, but also partly because he feels it too, this passage of time. He just (literally overnight) grew out of all of his jeans, and he’s been very focused on getting big.  “Mum, how big do I have to be to play as much games as I want on the iPad?” he asked the other day.  I was in the middle of making dinner.  “I don’t know…” I replied absent-mindedly.  “I guess when you turn 18 and go off to college you can do whatever you want!”  (thinking that this answer might be exciting for him).  There is a moment of silence, and then I hear him crying.  “Raines??” I rush over.  “What’s wrong?”  “I don’t want to go to college!” he says.  “I want to stay right here WITH you!”  He is sobbing now, his whole little body is shaking.  I scoop him up and snuggle him on the couch, reassuring him that he can live with me forever, if he wants.

I mean it, too.

Well….not really.  I mean: YES, selfishly,  I do.  But most of all I want him to be happy.  And I know the hardest thing on a kid is when their parents aren’t happy.  Sigh.  I need to get my shit together.

Happily, Pax is oblivious to my funk.  He is too busy being a total pain in the ass (in the best possible, two-year-old way).  R never went through that, “The Terrible Twos”.   Pax, however, makes my head spin.  Actually, Pax makes all of our heads spin.  And even Raines can be counted on to try and appease the beast.  It’s pretty funny, actually.  I try not to pressure him, or make a big deal out of it when he does, but Raines can be pretty good at getting Pax to comply.   And is often the only one who can understand the little stinker.  “Do you guys want to go out for bagels or croissants?” I asked the other day.  Pax shouted something incomprehensible   I repeated myself, “Bagels or croissants?”  Raines rolled his eyes, “Pax wants CROISSANTS, Mum.”  Really?  “When he says, ‘GANCTK’ he means ‘CROISSANTS’.”  Oh.

But that Pax…he is persistent, thank goodness.  He’ll keep trying until I get it.  The other day he handed me a banana.  I peeled it, then handed it back, “here you go, buddy.”  Pax just stared at me.  “Eat it!” I encouraged.

“NO!!”  he shouted.  ” NO! NO!!”

“Pax, I just peeled it for you!”

“DUN!” he screamed.  “DUN!”

“You’re done?”  I ask, confused.  Didn’t he just…hand me…the bana-

“DUN!!!” he screamed again.  This time, he pointed his index finger at me, and started making “TCHOO TCHOO” sounds.  Dun?  Oh…DUN!  Of course.  He wanted the banana to be a gun.  Not a banana.

I got a really big smile from the UPS guy the other day.  I thought “well, alright!”  With my birthday coming up, it’s nice to know that I still look good.  Until I caught of glimpse of myself in the mirror…and realized that I had two frosting handprints on my face – one on each cheek.  LOL!

In general, life is good.  No, it’s better than good…it’s amazing, really.  Mind-blowing, heart-exploding, kisses-on-the-belly awesome.   Which is what makes it so hard.  When I have so much to lose, life feels so very tenuous.

In that vein…I’ve been letting Raines skip school.  He hasn’t felt like going, and I haven’t had the heart to force him.  It’s PRESCHOOL, I tell myself.  Who cares?  He has his whole life to “learn” to keep commitments, blah blah blah.  Besides, it’s flu season, and kids are dropping like flies.  So Raines has been at home with me and Pax for almost two weeks.  We’ve been doing…uh…very important and educational things.  Ahem.

But the best thing?  The very, very best thing?  Watching the brothers grow into the best of friends.  With Raines home a bit more, Pax wakes up, excited.  I’ve had to haul him out of the bedroom before he wakes up Raines.  Otherwise, Pax is all up in Raines’ poor, sleeping face: “Hand?” Pax will ask him.  “HAND??”  This means, “Give me your hand, brother.  I want you to come and play.”  Oh, my heart.

Siblings are the best.