It Started. Preschool.

It’s only preschool (I keep telling myself).  But GOOD GOD.  It feels real.    Four mornings a week, and he’s going to be having lunch with those people.  Lunch!

I am regretting all of my choices.  I am seriously considering homeschooling.  But still, I am going through the school checklist, labeling.  Adding hearts, hoping that they’ll remind him of how much he’s loved.

R picks out his outfit very carefully.  He wants to wear the hat and suspenders from Scotti’s wedding.  He puts on his TOMS, by himself.  They are worn down and his toes peek through.  My heart breaks at the sight of those dirty little toes.  Will someone make fun of him?  I put Pax in the carseat.  And then it’s time.  Off we go.

Once we arrive, R confesses that he’s nervous.  And takes off his hat.  Pax looks up, hopefully:  “Ha?” he asks?  “Ha?”

“Sure, buddy” Raines replies, putting it on Pax’s head.  We pause outside.  I’m Miss Upbeat, and have the boys pose for a picture.

Game faces.  Both of ’em.

How about a smile, boys? I ask.


Hand in hand, they go inside.  Brothers, together.  Brothers supporting each other.

We are late, per usual.  All of the other kids are playing.  Raines walks in and immediately sits down at the art table.  He seems excited.  This is good.

He shoots me a look.  You can go now, Mom.

I collect Pax and leave.  As we’re going, I take one last look back.  Raines is sitting at the art table, brush in hand, bent over his paper in concentration.  Sitting, all alone, while other kids play around him.

I make it back to the car before the tears start.  Barely.

How does something as ordinary as school seem like such a leap of faith?  Do these people know that my world is in that classroom?  My whole world?

I think I hate school.

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5 Responses to It Started. Preschool.

  1. Kristen says:

    I bawl like a baby every year. It just about kills me to walk away.
    It never gets easier because you’re right, the sum of my existence is left behind.
    So I agree, down with school!

  2. Heather says:

    Oh ,Shana..the tears were flowing down reading this. I know exactly what you are going through. Liam was so much like Raines and Logan screamed like someone was ripping off a limb..both times it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest…it is HARD. I can tell you it gets easier. Love you

  3. sdraugelis says:

    @Kristen – LOL! Thank you. So nice to know I’m not alone. 🙂

    @Heather….I so miss you. I wish you were there to cheer me up. SO glad to know it gets easier.

    But I should mention…today in the car, as we were driving to school, R says, “Mom, you did a good job picking out a school for me. It is AWESOME.” So….yay.

  4. Anne Zarkos says:

    My heart goes out to you. I promise that it gets easier…much easier.

  5. Jen says:

    The picture of your two sons holding hands, ooooohhhh, it kills me, really! Tears and all! I don’t even know you but it’s just the sweetest thing! (It ALMOST convinces me to have another one, but I am standing firm on the one and done thing.) I am dreading! dreading! having my son go off to school (he’s 20 months), it seems almost around the corner! I’ll be in the same boat soon. Good luck to you! 🙂

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