What Are We Gonna Do With This Kid?

We had a picnic lunch in living room the other day.  I had promised an actual picnic…but it was too cold, so we did it indoors.  This is the kind of game that is super fun for Raines and I.

And Pax, too…I think.  That kid is something else.  But whatever else he is…he was excited about that picnic lunch.  Like a crazed little knome.  Until, of course, he puked.  This is a common theme.  Fat-boy a runnin’ an a eatin’ and then…a pukin’ and a wipin’ it up and repeat:  a runnin’ an a eatin’ an….

The Lesson:  Picnic lunches are not conducive to Keeping The Chubbie Calm.  Or seated.

So after the puking incident(s)…I decided to assert my authority.  You know, BE THE MOM.  Instead of a bystander whose blood sugar was too low to do much else but eat.  And we were having chocolate chips for dessert so…yeah.  Easy.  Like feeding candy to a baby.  (uh…literally)

I explain to Pax that he must sit.  (Like a dog.  But I do not say that.)  Pax sits.  I bring out the chocolate chips.  Pax starts to get up.  “SIT, Pax, sit!”  Pax sits back down. (Again, dog.)  I slowly bring forward the treats chocolate chips.  “Pax, take just one or two…”

He lunges, grabs the container, and immediately starts shoveling handfuls into his mouth, chips flying everywhere.  Raines screams in horror.  I grab the container from Pax, and, without hesitation, he punches me in the face.

I take some deep cleansing breathes, realizing that grabbing it back is hardly the lesson I want to be teaching.  Sigh.  Live and learn.  And to be honest, the punching-in-the-face thing wasn’t the first time.  It’s kinda his hallmark, and started as a newborn.  Seriously.  I calmly put the lid back on.  “Pax, gentle hands”  I remind him.  “Gentle!”

He ignores me and lunges for the container again.  Finding the lid on tight, he screams in frusteration, chocolate dripping from his mouth. He tries to open it once more, then throws the entire container of chocolate chips across the room.  Across. The. Room.  Then runs away, mouth still full of chips.  I carry him back, “Pax you must SIT to EAT” and put him back on the blanket.  He freaks and starts rolling around, kicking his legs and screaming.

I ignore him.  Looking at Raines, who is frozen, I ask in an overly calm, borderline psychotic voice, “Raines, would you like some chocolate chips?”  Raines is not sure how to answer.  But he reaches sloooowly across and takes some chocolate.  Once the chocolate is safely in his mouth, he relaxes.  “Mom,” says Raines.  “What are we gonna do with this kid?”

Good. Question.

Pax calms down and now sits, at the veeeeerrrrry farthest edge of the blanket, with his back to us, pouty chocolate-covered lip out.  A bird could perch, that pout is so good.  It is now naptime.  (Oh, boy)

I carry Pax upstairs, rubbing his back.  He seems calm.  Snuggles in, even.  This means nothing.  I walk into the bedroom, and close the door. I put him on the bed to change his diaper.  Pax goes batsh*t kick-crazy, aiming for my face. I wait it out.  (Yup.  Knew!  It!)  Once the clean diaper is on, I walk over to turn on the sound machine.  With my back turned, Pax:

Turns himself over:  “Erhn!  Erhn!!”  (grunts)

Slides off the bed:   “Eesh Eesh!”  (happy sounds)

Plans his escape: “HEEEH HEEEH HEEEH” (heavy breathing)

Runs for the door: pad pad pad pad (quick little footsteps)

And then?

Finds the bedroom door…closed.  WAAAAAAAAH  (screams)

This ain’t my first rodeo, kid.  BRING. IT.

(Which he then did.)

My little Pax.  My little Chubbies.  So much love and kisses and hugs….and so much crazytown.  All in one delicious little package.  And possibly a red-headed one.  



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7 Responses to What Are We Gonna Do With This Kid?

  1. Nicole M. says:

    What is it with the 2nd child? Burke will not sit for meals. He screams and cries more in one day (when he isn’t the one getting 110% of all the attention or his way) than Caroline did her entire first year of life. Some days Scott comes home and I tell him it’s debatable if I like our 2nd child all that much by 6:05 p.m. I talk gently. Which always ends with me yelling. I ignore. Then I try to distract. He is the strongest willed child. When he is sweet he is sweet. He’s funny as funny can be. So affectionate and walks around with his lips poked out for kisses. He is such a sweet boy……but then the switch gets flipped and it’s on! Our motto is “If he had been first. He would have been the last.” Glad to know that it’s not just our child. 🙂 Let’s just say preschool is probably coming a lot sooner for 2nd born. HA!

    • Heather says:

      Oh, Shana..I.can’t.breath..laughing so hard!! It is like you are describing my little Landen. I can sooooo relate!!!

      • sdraugelis says:

        Heather – it’s crazy, RIGHT? SO freaking different!! LOLOLOL

        Glad I’m not alone. 🙂

    • sdraugelis says:

      OMG – I keep giggling about your 6:05 comment. Seriously. What is the deal with the last 5 min before the guys come home? LOL

  2. Kristen P. says:

    Easily the funniest post you’ve ever written. I started laughing so hard that my roommate wasn’t sure if I was going to breathe again. See you guys soon!! 🙂

  3. KE says:

    just read.love.

  4. Robin K. says:

    oh my gosh, just found your blog via your post on aint no mom jeans about flying with the kiddos, i’m sitting @ work trying to not laugh out loud! LOVE this!!

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