Well. 2011 has been quite a year. We became a family of four this year. We moved across the country. Mike started a new job. I quit an old job. Then started it again, sort of. We were touched, too often this year, by death. And were happy for dear friends with new babies.
Ahhh…babies. Personally, I learned that I am an awesome mom of babies – one with never-ending patience for sleepless nights and slow days. I also learned that three-year-olds drive me crazy and I’m not always a mom I like. I learned that unconditional love doesn’t always feel like a warm glow. I learned that it’s OK and that the glow will return. I learned that I can still collapse in a puddle at my mom’s feet and she will put me back together again. I learned that my Dad is still capable of surprising me, and Parkinson’s or no, to bet on him. I learned that my little sister is a source of wisdom. I learned that I do, in fact, love my husband above all others (others, in this case, being my girlfriends)…and would pick him (and Philly) over staying in Denver where I was so, so happy.
But I also learned that girlfriends, like the kind I have so far away, make everything better. Every day. Whether we talk or not. And that despite the distance, they are just as much a part of me as, say, my legs. And if this is the only lesson I learn from motherhood – the value of girlfriends – it will have been worth it.
I’ve also learned this year – 2011, you mad, mad bitch – that I have a long way to go. That I am filled with indecision about my future; that I now find myself in the typical stay-at-home-mom conundrum: I’m not ready to go back to work really…but what happens when the boys are in school? What will I do all day? Part of me fears my future. In the meantime, I have this image of the life I want to create with my boys – one of intention, of slow, simple days spent playing, being together. In reality, I find myself madly dashing about, my thoughts all a-jumble. I want…I want…I want to remove all want and just simplify, somehow. But I don’t know how. I don’t even know where to begin.
So perhaps, this year, that’s where I’ll start. With removing. Instead of trying to add stuff in (more exercise, more veggies, mo’ money, whatever)….I’ll work at removing. Removing want. Removing fear. Removing stuff and distractions and my post-partum pooch in time for my sister’s wedding. (I’m joking.) (Not really.)
Incidentally, all of this madness was swirling around in my brain tonight at dinner. The boys were playing together nicely (!!), so Mike poured me another glass of wine and we had ourselves a little chat. When I was done blathering on about my hopes and dreams and fears and our future I asked him what his New Year’s resolution was. He shrugs. “To have more sex.”
Ummmm…yeah. That’s way better.