My
Grandfather died in the spring.  Early spring, I think.  I remember,
because the morning after I received the phone call with the sad, sad
news, I was walking down the street to get my morning coffee.  I
remember feeling confused — everywhere I looked I saw signs of life.  
There were crocuses and daffodils peaking up out of the hard, cold
ground.  Birds singing.  I felt dull and old – realizing my parent’s
mortality, and I guess, my own as well.  All of these signs of spring
felt like an intrusion.  So much life when I was feeling particularly
life-less.  That was several years ago, but the impression has stayed
with me.  Spring always takes me by surprise.  So much life, everywhere
you look.  That’s what I love about Spring – it’s all about new
beginnings – even in the face of sadness.  Life just marches on.

Mike
and I are still struggling to come to terms with what happened.  I’ve
found myself going over the horrible “what if” scenario in my head and
feeling my blood run cold.  I’ve got to stop doing this to myself…but
at the same time, perhaps it’s healing.  Sarah sent me an article the
other day – one of her husband’s friends…anyway, his wife died 24 hours
after giving birth.  The husband has been writing a blog, which I read
( http://mattlogelin.wordpress.com/). 
It made me cry so hard I thought I was going to throw up.  It was like
reading my own worst nightmare.  Now that I have Raines, there’s just
so much I could’ve missed out on.  Just so much more that I don’t want
to miss out on.  My heart aches for the husband and baby girl, but also
for the wife – she is missing her baby grow, on watching her husband
become a father, and missing out on discovering herself as a mother. 
After reading the blog, my first thought was to send the husband a
letter of support, but I think, for now, I’ll simply keep him in my
prayers.  I have no words of comfort – perhaps because it just hits too
close to home.  I couldn’t help thinking, “Thank God this isn’t us.” 
Please forgive this selfish thought.

Later,
I took Raines for a walk.  It was sunny and warm and just felt so good
to be out and about – hearing the birds, seeing all of the flowers and
trees.  We walked to the Botanical Gardens and had a picnic.  That was
today’s activity – Picnic in the Gardens.  Earlier in the week, I
declared that Monday was Taking Pictures of Flowering Trees Day.  Since
being at home with Raines, I’ve started naming days for the activities
we’ll be doing.  Or, more accurately, the ONE activity we can manage to
do.  For example “Sample Denver’s Cupcakes Day” had to become “Denver’s
Cupcakes Week” because there were too many bakeries in Denver that were
making cupcakes.  It’s a good life.  Anyway, on Monday, he and I
strolled around taking pictures of all of the flowering trees we pass
when walking around our neighborhood.  I’ve included a couple of my
favorites. In years past, it had barely registered how many
flowering trees grow in my neighborhood.  Surprising really – when the
wind blows, it’s like snow, and everywhere you walk the air is
perfumed.  This is my life now – flower walks, picnics, cupcake days,
baby time.  I can’t believe how much has changed.  How much I’ve
changed.  In a way I feel very blessed.  Because of what has happened. 
We changed everything.   I wonder if I would’ve chosen to stay home if
I had had a normal delivery.  Perhaps – but I certainly would’ve
struggled much more over that decision.  I guess what I feel, most of
the time, is peace.  I’m at peace with where I am.  I’m at peace with
my decisions, peace with my family, and just so deeply happy, so deeply
grateful to be here.  I get to celebrate Mother’s Day.  What a blessing.